How to say "no"?
Learning how to say “no”…
We are talking about how to say “no”. This is a topic that I've spoken about with a lot of my clients recently. As simple as it is, we all know the word “no” but for some reason, many of us find ourselves stuck in a place where we feel like we're constantly saying ”yes” even when we don't want to say “yes”, and this can cause a lot of frustration.
What’s the problem with always saying “yes”?
Well, it's a struggle because we feel like we're constantly giving to what other people want and we're constantly responding to expectations. When we're constantly responding to requests, this can lead us down a pretty negative slope. The more we find ourselves saying “yes” the more resentment and frustration can build up. When we're feeling resentful and we're feeling frustrated, we can be more snappy, more impatient and we can actually be less good company to the people around us. Perhaps you found yourself in a state where you felt like you were constantly saying “yes” to what everyone was asking things from you and then one last person made a small request and that sent you over the edge - all of a sudden you couldn't take it anymore because you would already spend your entire day responding to other people's needs so that one last one was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's a dangerous place to be not only because of that resentment, not only because of that impatience, but because when we say “yes” to others, then the same time we're saying “no” to ourselves. If we understand that constantly saying yes to others can be a huge problem, why do we do it?
Why do we struggle to say “no”?
Most would probably say there's this feeling of guilt associated with saying “no” to others. I would say there's probably a feeling of expectation in there as well, especially if you are the kind of person that is always saying “yes” then you probably feel like others expect you to continue to say “yes”. Maybe since you often agree to other people's requests, they actually turn to you more often.
I would say identity is also another reason why we do this. If we identify as the kind of person that is always giving, if we identify the kind of person that is always putting up others first, then we might actually hold onto that part of ourselves might even more and this is where it gets dangerous. Saying “yes” constantly become something that we see as a moral value. We moralize the idea of always putting others first that we almost associate our own personal value to it. We value ourselves because we feel like we're the ones that are always giving. We see that as a huge positive, and when we see it as a positive, even though there might be negative attributes attached to it, we actually hold onto it even tighter.
Another reason why it's easy to fall into the always saying “yes” trap is this idea of never having done enough. It's this feeling of “I should or I could”. Maybe somebody asks something from you and a huge part of you is saying “no, I'm focusing on something else right now, or no, I really don't have the time” but a little voice in the back of your mind to saying “come on, you could squeeze that in”. It's this feeling of never having done enough of never having given enough of never being giving enough, and that can be very related to perfectionist tendencies. If you are the kind of person that falls relatively easily into perfectionist tendencies, then it's this feeling that “I should do that perfectly.” When somebody asks something from you you might think: “If I say no, that I'm proving that I don't have enough time” or “I'm proving that I'm not a giving person enough”. It's this feeling of not being enough, not having enough, not giving enough and the dangerous trap with that is that there is never enough. It will never be perfect. And therefore it's impossible to say “no” because you've never said “yes” enough.
A few other reasons why is hard to say “no” is because sometimes responding to other people's requests is easier than focusing on our own. A client of mine told me that she found herself a lot of the time responding to emails, doing what other people ask of her, because it was easier to do those kinds of tasks than to focus on moving the needle forward in her own projects. These projects were a little bit scary and a bit out of her comfort zone yet responding to other people's requests was the easy part - that part she knew she could do. It can even be a form of procrastination. Sometimes we procrastinate moving into a zone of discomfort, doing something good for ourself because saying “yes” to others is easier.
Two key principles…
Every time you say yes, you also say no. This is really important because a lot of the time we associate “yes” with “good”, so we think if we're constantly saying “yes”, then that's a good thing. It means we're constantly giving and we see that as “good”. The reason why this principle is mindset shifting is because we understand that every time we say “yes” we also say “no” and every time we say “no” we also say “yes” which turns everything neutral. So let's say you want to launch your own side hustle. You've had a really busy week and finally you have a weekend that is completely free so you've told yourself; “I am going to put this weekend fully aside to work on my side hustle.” In the meantime, you have a family member that reaches out to you and says; “hey, I really need help moving out of my apartment. Could you come by on Saturday, help me pack, help me rent a van and move my apartment out it would really help me out.” When you fall into this trap of always saying “yes” and you see “yes” as “good” then you say “yes”. However, when you've said “yes” you've simultaneously said “no”; you've said “no” to work working on the side hustle that you have wanted to work on for a while. The tricky part is we often say “yes” to others and say “no” to ourselves as a way of feeding the ego. We think that we're constantly giving to others, who's constantly helping yet half the time we're doing it more for ourselves than for the other person because in reality, if we were to tell that person; ”I'm so sorry I have this side hustle that I've been meaning to put up and running for months and months, this weekend was finally the weekend that I was going to work on it and I want to work on it” the other person would just find somebody else to help them out. Yet we struggled to say no, because we want to feel like we're helping. So we feel like we're giving to others, but a lot of the time we're actually doing it for ourselves. We're doing it to feed the ego. Not only that, but as we said at the beginning, there can be negative repercussions on those around you. When you start becoming impatient, when you start being resentful, when you start getting frustrated, then yes, you're giving to others but at what consequence? At the consequences of being grumpy about it? At the consequence of not actually enjoying it and not actually being truly helpful?
You cannot give to others from an empty tank. It is not selfish to feed your own energy, because in order to give out energy in order to be good company, in order to be truly giving, then you need to fill up your own tank first. I alluded to this in a previous podcast episode all about building a morning routine. In that episode I said that one of the keys of building a morning routine is this idea of actually giving to yourself first thing in the day because when you give to yourself first thing in the day, then the rest of your day you can give to others without this deep feeling of obligation that ultimately leads to frustration and leads to resentment.
Practicing saying “no”…
Think back at a time in which you've said “yes” to something or to someone, but in the moment you actually wanted to say “no”…
What emotion did you feel? You said “yes” when you actually wanted to say “no”; what feeling was that? Was is frustration? Was it ange? Was that a bit of resentment? Don't need to worry no one is listening to you in your head, no one is able to judge you, this is a conversation with yourself so allow yourself to be 100% honest. Maybe this is something you would never say out loud, but that's okay… Why did that emotion come up? Is it because you feel like you're constantly giving or maybe you feel like you're the one always putting in the effort? Maybe your roommate asked if you could call the plumber to sort out the plumbing and you said “yes” but that led to a deep feeling of frustration because it feels like you're always the one making the calls or you're always the one making the effort and you feel like the other person is doing as much...
Why did you say yes? Something that's key here is remembering that everything in life is a choice. Maybe there was an unsaid expectation that you would say “yes”, maybe in the past you've always said “yes” so you feel like you need to say “yes”, but regardless, everything is a choice. It was completely up to you in a moment where you can say “yes and you can say “no” the choice is yours…so why did you say yes? Maybe you felt that expectation, maybe you felt guilt, maybe you didn't want to disappoint, maybe you see yourself as the giver or maybe you see your value as the giver…
What did you say no to? You said “yes” to somebody else, to an expectation, to a situation, to a task…what did you say “no” to? Did you say “no” to another way you wanted to spend your time? What was the opportunity cost there?
If you were to reinvest history, what could you have done differently? Something that's important to remember is that your emotions and your thoughts are valid, you are not crazy. Anybody else in a very similar situation with a similar mindset, as you would be feeling exactly the same thing. All of us feel this kind of resentment when we're saying “yes” too much. So if you were to rewrite history in this moment, what would you do differently? You have two choices here; you can either say “yes” again - in which case I would suggest changing your perception. You would have to remember saying “yes” is a choice. If you're saying “yes” out of choice then maybe there's less frustration there. The other option is to say “no” to the expectation and say “yes” instead to what that opportunity cost was. If you choose the second option, how would you go about it? What would you tell the other person? I would suggest in this instance to be completely honest and to be completely transparent, a lot of the time, your reason for wanting to say “no” is related to something else that you want to do instead - something which is important to you. Try explain that in a clear, concise way, and more often than not, the other person will understand.
I'm going to give you a little challenge for the week ahead; take note either mentally, or maybe keep a little list of what you say “yes” to and what you say “no” to. Are you always say “yes” to others and “no” to yourself or vice versa"? Notice if there's a pattern there that could be a root of a frustration within you...
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