Read the text below or listen to the episode from The Victoria Sardain Podcast.

This week we’re talking all about the topic of identity. It's a topic that I find absolutely fascinating. It's one that I go through with pretty much all of my clients, regardless of what their goals or their specific struggles may be, because it's one that is all encompassing; it affects us all. Many of the concepts I'll be sharing with you today are ones that have really completely changed and shaped my life.

What is identity

I wanted to start with a little quote, which I love, and I'm not sure if you've heard it or not. It might seem a little bit cliche, but it's something that is incredibly incredibly true. And that quote is the two most important words in the English language are the words “I am” because whatever you put after them will determine your reality. I love that because we're constantly speaking and “I am” phrases.

We're constantly saying “I'm tired”, “I'm lazy”, or “I'm just not a sporty person”, or “I'm not a morning person”, or “I'm just not a yoga person”, or “I'm not a meditator.” And as I've said before and I'll repeat again, taking notes and being self-aware is always the first step. So if there's one thing I want you to take out of this is just start becoming more aware of how often you're saying “I am” messages and what are the words that are following them.

So, first of all, what is an identity? Well, we have many identities. Our identities are constantly shifting. They're constantly evolving. They change throughout our life. They change depending on our surroundings, on our environment, on who we're spending time with and our mindset. Maybe you can think back at a time, 10 years ago when you were perhaps a very different person, because you were going through a different moment in your life, a different phase, you were at a different stage, a different age, and identities also relate a lot to our experiences. Perhaps you went on a hike once and you have blisters all over your feet and it was a terrible experience. Therefore you're no longer hiker. You find yourself putting in those “I am” messages like “I'm not into hiking” or “I'm not a hiker” or even a can extend as far as “I'm not an outdoorsy person, I don't like doing those things” because of the experience that you had.

An identity is essentially a fact of being, or that's what it's defined as, but I would go, as far as it's saying, it's more of a believed fact of being, and these beliefs are true. I won't tell you that, whatever it is that you have is your identity is not true because when you believe something wholeheartedly and we accept it as our identity, it is who we are, then it is inevitably true. However, there's a distinction to be made between things that absolutely cannot be changed. I am 25 years old is something that is part of my identity, it's not something that I can change. However, there are also parts of our identity, which can be changed. So there are beliefs that we accept as 100% true, we integrate them as facts however, they could be challenged. They could be challenged when we can ask ourselves is this 100% true? Is this something that I can change such as I'm not a morning person, or I'm just bad at technology? Realistically, if I were to challenge you on those beliefs, you would potentially get very defensive and say, “no, this is who I am. This is my identity.” We protect our identity, and that is where it can be both dangerous and it can be the most powerful tool that you have ever used.

What’s the danger of holding onto an identity?

Well it's because it becomes something that seems unchangeable. As I said, we accept identity. As a fact of being, we integrate it into who we are as people, therefore in our minds, it becomes something that is unchangeable. Another reason why identity can be so dangerous is because we can start feeling trapped and we can be trapped in our own body. What do I mean by being trapped in our own body? Well , I mean, we have chosen identity that maybe does not serve us yet because it is our identity. We will inevitably latch onto it. We will inevitably hold onto it. We will inevitably do everything we can to solidify it. It's also very related to our confirmation bias. So our confirmation bias is a cognitive bias, which will always push us to confirm things. We already believe if we believe that we are not a morning person. Well then when your alarm rings, first thing in the morning, you're going to associate that feeling of: “It's early and say, yep , exactly. I'm not a morning person. I struggled first thing in the morning, look at this, it confirms” and in a weird way, you get satisfaction from that confirming even if it is going against what you truly desire.

What's crazy about being trapped in our own body and trapped in an identity is that no one is inflicting it on us, but ourselves. It is the pure definition of getting in our own way, of setting barriers to our own growth, to our own development. This is also why identity can be dangerous because it halts growth, it halts change it, halts, moving into something new. When we have an identity, it is integrated in our thoughts. We think as the person of that identity, and we know that our thoughts guide our behaviours. Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how 80% of our thoughts yesterday will be the same as today and 80% of our thoughts today will be the same tomorrow and the following day and the day after that - so we are more or less conditioned to have the same thoughts and those are 100% related to our identity. When we have the same thoughts, we perform the same behaviours because our thoughts guide our behaviours. Therefore, when we anchor ourselves to an identity, we are predefining our future. We are defining our future to be exactly the same as our present.

Perhaps you have the desire to be in a loving relationship and share your life with someone. But if you keep telling yourself, I'm just perpetually single, I'm the kind of person that will be single forever. I just know it. I'm not someone who's able to make compromises. I'm not able to live with somebody else. If this kind of thought pattern is going in your head constantly, but there is a part of you that deep down really desire as a loving relationship. Then that's where identity can stand in your way. You're seeking to confirm this identity that you have, which does not allow you to go for your deepest desires.

How can identity be positively powerful?

It all stems down to the fact that we will latch onto an identity at all costs; it is our security blanket. Therefore it can also be something positive. You can change your identity. If you change your identity into something positive into being the kind of person you want to be into having the identity that will drive you towards your goals, then all of a sudden you will equally latch onto that identity. It becomes something positive that you will hold onto , that you will live with, that you will believe they will act upon. It will guide your actions. It will guide your behaviours. It will guide your interactions and ultimately will guide you in the direction you want to go. When you accept it, you live and breathe it. So this is very related to the concept of affirmations. And I have a bit of a mixed relationship affirmations. I think it can be an amazing tool. However, I can sometimes guide us towards inaction, which I wouldn't suggest. However, when we talk about affirmations, we often talk about affirming who we are. I am the kind of person that strives for growth. I am the person who strives for excellence. I live with calm and serenity, whatever affirmation you repeat to yourself, once it gets integrated into your identity, it guides your behaviours. Not only that, but you will naturally seek to protect that identity. Identity building is really one of the keys to behavior change.

If you want to start running every day, all you need to do is run once and decide: “I'm a runner from now on. I am a runner. I have my running shoes. I run every day. That is who I am.” When you affirm that belief, when you affirm that identity, you will have an easier time protecting it. Another classic example is being a smoker versus a non-smoker instead of deciding one day to the next, “I'm going to try quit smoking” or “I am a smoker who is quitting smoking”, completely flipping that narrative and releasing the identity of a smoker and saying “I'm a non-smoker, from today on I'm a non-smoker because I am not smoking” and then we work harder to protect that identity.

Why do we hold onto identities so strongly?

Holding onto an identity gives us a feeling of security. Certainty is one of our primary needs as people. And we will always seek certainty and having an identity gives us something to hold onto . It gives us a feeling of known. It becomes a bit of a comfort zone. Holding onto a specific identity also becomes a bit of a cover or a blanket, which secures us from seeing the shadows.

In psychology there's the concept of the shadow, which is a hidden part of our personality that we do not accept. It's something we try hide at all costs. Therefore, when we have a specific identity that we feel comfortable with, that we can hold onto , that we can use as a little bit of a mask, then there's less risk of our shadow being exposed. An interesting way to know if you're trying to cover up some potential shadows is when you feel yourself getting defensive. If we find ourselves getting really defensive out of nowhere, to the point where it surprises us a little bit, and we almost catch ourselves off guard, that's generally a pretty clear sign that there is a shadow, there there's something that we feel uncomfortable that someone has potentially shun a bit of a light on, and we get defensive as a way of protecting that shadow. As I said, right at the beginning, self-awareness is always step one, noticing when we're getting defensive, what are we getting defensive about? Is there a shadow we're trying to hide? And is there an identity that we're latching to, to protect ourselves from that shadow?

Another reason why we tend to grip to identity so tightly is not even for ourselves; it's because our identity becomes something that others associate with us. So personal example would be when I was dealing with amenorrhea, which is a lack of period for several months, I personally did not have my period for about two and a half years when I was going through a very intense exercise and vegan food regime. And I realized that in order to rebalance my hormones and to get my period back, I would have to stop exercising. That may not seem like a big deal, but I had integrated workouts and being the girl that is at the gym every single day at 6:00 AM, no matter what, as such a solid part of my identity, it was so ingrained in me that it felt terrifying to let go of, and it was terrifying to let go of personally because it's something I'd integrated as myself, but even more so for others, I was thinking, what will others think if all of a sudden I'm not there anymore. If my roommates see that I slept in until 10:00 AM, they're not going to understand what's happened and they're not going to see me in the same way - that's what they know me as. In a way I think some of my friends even looked up to me for my discipline around my workouts and being that quote unquote gym chick that I almost didn't want them to realize that I would have to take time off, I didn't want them to notice that I wasn't in the gym anymore, I didn't want them to see that I would be sleeping in in order to help to recover my hormones. I didn't want to let it go because it was also something I loved about my identity and it felt scary to no longer have that.

There's therefore a combination between the identity that we hold on to for ourselves and to get strengthened when others also associate us with that specific identity, that's what makes it even harder to let go of. Now. I want you to clarify that identities are not bad and we don't need to let ourselves go of all our identities. We all have many identities. Maybe you’re just as much of a hardworking employee as you are a caring mother or a fun funny friend, and that's an identity that you like, that you appreciate yourself that helps you, that serves you, that serves those around you, and you don't need to let go of every single one of your identities. What I'm saying is that we need to understand when identities are serving us and not serving us, as I said, we will naturally latch on to identities . So it's very hard sometimes to realize what are the identities that are not serving us and then letting them go.

How do we know when we need to let go of an identity?

When it comes to identity, there's something that I like to think of as a turning point where we realize there's something that isn't working. It feels like we're at war with ourselves. It feels like we have two parts of our being. Maybe it's our mind and our body or two parts of our mind that are fighting against each other and although we have a goal, something we so badly want to reach, it feels like we are caged caged in our own bodies, caged by our identities. Now this breaking point or turning point can take all kinds of forms, but it is inherently negative and is really characterized by that feeling of being trapped and not being able to get out.

What's crazy is when we realize that what's trapping us is ourselves. When it comes to these breaking points to these turning points, there will be natural resistance that will come up. We will always try latch on to identity as much as possible. Therefore, naturally there will be resistance when we try to let go of a piece of identity, or maybe even simply understand that a part of our identity isn't serving us, but something very few of us realize is when we get to that turning point or to that breaking point, we rarely turn inwards. We rarely ask ourselves the question: “What part of my identity can I admit no longer serves me?” Perhaps this is something that you recognize within yourself right now, perhaps you're currently living with this feeling of being slightly trapped or feeling of being at war with yourself. You want one thing, but you're acting in another and you don't understand why and there's a conflict there. A lot of times when there is that internal conflict, it is very related to identity.

5 questions to let go of an identity

Start by thinking of an example, perhaps a of your identity that you yourself are ready to let go of in this instance, if nothing comes to mind, then perhaps reconnect with a previous identity, something you've already started to transition out of and ask these questions retroactively.

1. If I no longer had this identity, what would I have? We often struggle to let go of an identity because we don't know what else we have. It feels like the only thing we have in that instance. So by forcing ourselves to really ask, what would I have, we begin to understand that, yes, we may not have this identity, but we will have something else. So what else would you have perhaps you're letting go of part of an identity, but you would still have something left. For example, when I let go of my identity as the fitness chick who works out every single day at 6:00 AM, no matter what I realized, maybe I wouldn't be the girl in the gym at 6:00 AM, but I still had a fitness routine that I loved. I still had my physical ability. I could still be naturally active without having that identity.

2. Who would I be without this identity? What other characteristics, unrelated to your identity would still be strong? As I said, all the way beginning, we have several identities. Maybe one of those identities you're ready to let go of, but the other ones are still serving you. The other ones can stay. Maybe you've previously prided yourself, an identity as somebody who doesn't care about what they eat and eats absolutely anything and has never picky. And you start realizing that your health is suffering as a consequence. So you need to start being a little bit more careful. You can let go of the identity of being someone who eats absolutely anything yet still hold onto the part of your identity that is spontaneous, that is fun, that is carefree, that part of your identity doesn't need to go simply because you're starting to be a little bit more careful with your nutrition.

3. How would someone without this identity live their life differently? Start to visualize that somebody perhaps that you know, or simple figure of your imagination, somebody who does not have that identity, how do they live differently from you? How do they behave differently from you? How do they act differently from you? How do they interact differently from you? What kind of habits do they have? What does that look like?

4. What does living without this identity look like for me? For you in this instance, how you're living your life, what would letting go of that identity concretely look like for you? Sometimes we're scared of letting go of an identity simply because we don't know what else there would be, what would we do or what our life look like. As humans we seek certainty, we seek comfort. We seek the known, so you don't have to jump into the deep water straight away, start by thinking about it, start by envisioning it. When you start envisioning it in your mind, you understand it as possible. Your brain can hardly discern between what's physically real and what's real in your mind so the second you start thinking about it, then your mind starts accepting it as possible, starts accepting it as true and it no longer feels so scary or so unknown. Perhaps for you living without the identity of “not being a morning person” looks like waking up in the morning, feeling good, feeling, fresh, feeling excited about the day. Simply start imagining that. What does that look like? Waking up early when everyone else is still asleep and you can take a moment to yourself before giving to others… What does that feel like?

5. What can I do right now to start living without this identity? Sometimes action comes before integration. Before you fully integrated this new identity or fully accepted that part of you has shut off, you can start acting in that direction. You can do small 1% actions, small behaviors, pick up some small habits that start telling your mind: I'm no longer that person. I'm no longer the procrastinator because look, I started working on my project a week before it was due. I'm no longer the person that hates sports because I went for a 15 minute run, listening to awesome music and you know what? I loved it. What's one small thing you can do to start separating yourself from this identity?

Two key points about identity shifting…

1. Just because an identity no longer serves us now, doesn't mean it hasn't served us in the past. So accepting that a specific identity no longer serves us does not mean that it was a mistake all along and we should never have done it. It can be useful to even ask ourselves: how did this identity serve me in the past, but no longer serves me today? Letting go of an identity is not about beating ourselves up or about getting frustrated with ourselves, it's about simply understanding that we have moved on to a new phase of our life and within this new phase, we need to shed some skin with every season. We're ready to shed some skin to let go of parts of us that no longer serve and cultivate new parts that will serve us more.

2. Nobody decides on your identity but you. You are the captain of your ship. You are in charge of your future and is for you to decide on that identity every moment, every day, every second is an opportunity for you to cultivate the identity that serves you and let go of those that do not. I'm not saying this is easy. Going through an identity shift is difficult. It's confronting. There will be a resistance, but that is part of the journey…and it is possible. If you're struggling with this, then try to think back at a time in which you did shift identity. Think back at a time, perhaps when you're younger, where you were a very different kind of person, what identity shift came there, you already went through identity shifts, perhaps even without realizing it. So yes, it is possible. We can do it consciously. We can realize that being the aggressive or impatient person is not something we want to keep with us. We can decide that being the procrastinator or the person who is disorganized is not something that's serving us. We can decide that being the person who bottles up their emotions or being the person who cannot make compromises or being the person who hates sports and is not active, we can decide that that is no longer us; that that is part of a previous identity that served us in a previous life, but we're ready to shut that skin and accept something new.

What identity are you ready to let go of?